I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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