My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
