ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
