Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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