I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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