Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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