you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize
