I can tuck mytits in my pants
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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