You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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