I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
