i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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