Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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