So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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