Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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