you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
