bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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