he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
