Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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