I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green