im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor