So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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