ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
