So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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