Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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