Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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