Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
