The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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