I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
