Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
the day after is always just damage control
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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