A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
