The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
