She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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