Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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