the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
There's always time for handjobs
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Randomize
