I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
