shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
