Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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