Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
