is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
