You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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