It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
