Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
