I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
