it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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