"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
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dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
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She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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