I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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