Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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