I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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