i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
