Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
