Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
