Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
