John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
