Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I could make wine with my vomit
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
