Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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