Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
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