the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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