I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
