Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
