I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
