well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
